Lyn Marie

Just wanted to clue y'all in...

2002-12-11T21:19:07Z

I'm writing a lot more frequently (hehe...since I haven't updated here in FOREVER)
over at Diary-x. It's http://nylle.diary-x.xom. Visit!

This one's for you.

2002-01-22T07:39:19Z

I have no idea how I feel about anything. He was everything to me, all I wanted for as long as I can remember. That smile, those eyes, the way he laughs. The way his hand fits on the small of my back and the way the shadow of his eyelashes falls across his cheek.

Good night, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day.

I never thought I could hurt him like he hurt me...never thought I would want to. And I didn't, not really...it just happened, kind of by accident. I got caught up in too many other things and he fell by the wayside. Which was the scariest part. That he could fall. Because for so long, he was the one thing I held onto, and I don't know how I got here, to this place where I let go.

I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say

I can still remember the way he made me feel a million years ago...how it was like a thousand butterflies had been released in my stomach when he so much as smiled at me. The way those eyes could talk me into anything. He was everything, and it was getting everything that ruined it. When you've waited so long for something....built it up to the point that it's perfection...getting it proves that nothing is perfect.

I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

He'd been gone so long, and I'd only heard his voice across the telephone wires...it was completely crazy seeing him again. When he walked through the door, I couldn't even breathe. Taller than I remembered, and stronger looking somehow...the same self satisfied smirk he'd perfected at sixteen. The first words I could get out were 'I love you.' I'm not sure why. I know I meant it, but I don't know how I meant it. As much as I did mean those words, I think I knew even as I said them that they were just that....words. A statement. The sky is blue. Rain falls. The wind blows. Statements, all of them...undisputable ones, and if you declare out of nowhere that rain falls, no one asks you to do anything about it. Sometimes you care about someone just because you do, not because you want to do anything about it, or could if you tried.

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say

Our lives are so different now...he's farther away then he's ever been, physically and mentally and every other way possible. He wanted it, wanted me, more than he ever has in his life, and I could have had it all this time. Except that all of a sudden I wasn't sure if I wanted him because I was in love with him or wanted him because I loved him once. Because he is so much a part of who I am today. I don't know where I would be without him...but in a way, I want to find out.

Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep

I have more happy memories with him than with anyone else, and I'll never forget any of them. He's always taken care of me whether I needed it or not, and he knows how to make me laugh when all I feel like doing is crying. Some of the best conversations of my life have been with him at three in the morning, and there's no one in the world that's as great to argue with.

The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Things change. Life changes. How do we know who to hold onto and who to let go of? The hardest thing in the world was dropping those dog tags into his hand, because in letting go of them, I was letting go of him. It felt like my world was spinning, and it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders all at once. I wanted to hold onto him, go after him. Seeing him that night, the way he looked at me, as if I was speaking a different language, as if everything we'd ever had was gone; it was like nothing I've ever felt.

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be

But for the first time, I knew it was the best move, for both of us. I think. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I only have a feeling that we both have things we need to do. A feeling that instead of helping him along, I was holding him back, and maybe even that I needed to learn to be without him. Because the choice I made was the biggest one I ever have...the choice between two completely seperate paths my life could go in.

Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

I care about him so much, and I don't think I'll ever stop. Everything's meant to be...it's just I'm not sure that everything is meant to be forever.

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on
They never die
That's how you and I
Will be

nylle @ 2001-12-14T04:24:00

2001-12-14T09:22:06Z

I hate endings. When someone was there for a long time...so long that you forget to remember a time before them...and then they're just gone in an instant, and you're left alone, and it's been so long that you don't quite know what to do with yourself. When your first instinct is to call them whenever anything particularly good or particularly bad happens, and when you realize that you can't call them anymore, whatever happened doesn't seem so momentous because the only person you can share it with is yourself.

But even worse than the disappearing act is when it ends and they're still there and you can't help seeing them and it's a thousand times worse than them being gone because they're right there and you still can't share the good and the bad and the scary things with them, because what you had is gone, and now this person that you spent all this time with, who became such a momentos figure in your life...is just another random face on the sidewalk, one who you nod to pleasantly and walk on, pretending everything else was just a daydream.

It's impossible to know how to act. But that's all it really is...an act. When you run in the same circles and you just can't get away from each other after it's all over, you just act like life is great because everyone's talking about it anyway and the only want to make it stop is to pretend none of it ever happened in the first place. To smile a bit bigger than usual and to laugh a bit more loudly, jsut so everyone knows your fine and that he knows it too....especially that he knows it because you can't be the weak one when three days later he's acting like you're a very nice, very platonic friend and that there's no tension at all.

There's supposed to be a grace period. A very close friend told me that not long ago, and he was right. There should be a grace period where it's okay to be sad and wallow and to get angry over silly things and look like shit. A time when it's okay to wince if his name is brought into the conversation and to make lists of his faults and to just plain despise him for a while. It's a bg part of the healing process, and this time I don't get a bit of it. Not even one evening of sitting in my pajamas and eating Ben and Jerry's Phish Food and chain smoking cigarettes and badmouthing boys in general.

No, this time I got thrown back into the pool before I'd even had a chance to catch my breath. I had to look him in the face not twenty four hours after we'd both been in tears, not even twenty four hours after I'd handed over the last of his belongings and he'd been unable to kiss me goodbye. I had to look him in the face and smile brightly and pretend none of it even happened. Because he pretended we were just fine, that we were great friends. To look at him, you wouldn't even know we'd ended it.

No one even noticed a difference in our exchange...their jaws all dropped to the floor in surprise the moment I managed to casually mention that we'd broken up. Because he'd acted the same. Smiling and laughing, just like any other day. Not awkward at all, not remiss with anyone at the store even thought he'd just told me the night before that he was scared to death about what they all must think of him. The only clue to the fact that something huge had happened was that he was still wearing the same clothes from the day before, and of course I was the only one who noticed that.

We joked that maybe he'd forgotten we'd ended it...he does smoke a lot of weed and as my mom says that causes 'Long term loss of short term memory.' And besides, we don't usually break up. We fight and we administer the silent treatment remarkably well, but it never lasts more than a week and we never say the words 'breaking up' because we had worked so hard just to get together.

And then tonight, three days later...I ran into him and he acted as if we were on great terms. He looks good and I hate it. I want him to look bad and be upset and angry and stop hidiing things. But every time he smiles at me I find myself thinking of more ways to skirt around the problems we had, to fix things so that we can stay together for just a little longer because that always seemed important for some reason...patching up the problems so that we could make it though to better times. Because with him one good day made up for ten bad ones, and the fighting was never so bad that we didn't love to make up.

When he acts so flippant and calm now, I start to question my own memory. Was he really ever there with me, laughing and crying and telling me he'd never felt the way I made him feel? Or was that someone else, somewhere else? He says he'll call. I said I know how to screen my calls, thanks to him, and he told me that that was okay...that he'd still call and if I felt like talking I could answer. And I sat there today and made small talk with him for fifteen minutes, and we joked around and laughed and talked about meaningless things and I could tell everyone was standing there admiring us for being so well adjusted, but the entire time I was looking for some sign that he wasn't as content as he looked...that he did miss me, just a little, or a lot. A lot would be best.

It could be my fault...I know that I hide things well and that it probably looks like I don't care, and that he could be playing off me as much as I'm playing off him, and it's a vicious circle and we'll go on like this. But I don't know how else to be, because I'm in this vague nowhere state in which time and finals and work all pass in strange ways.

The other night after we'd made the decision to break up, he asked me what he should do next, becuse he didn't know. I told him that basically, he had to get up and go and have his own life, and he didn't move for a long time. And eventually, he turned to me and said "But what do I do when I start missing you this time? Before I've always turned around and come back."

And he has. He's never not come back, and it's hard to get used to the idea that this time he's not going to turn around. That something final and definitive has happened for the first time in our relationship. Everything else happened so vaguely that I didn't even realize it until it was happening. It's all be so pliable and changeable, like if you reached out it would feel like one of those touchable bubbles that you can squeeze without bursting. And then this happened...like popping the bubble with a pin. And you just can't go back anymore.

Yet another eventful night.

2001-10-17T22:21:02Z

I went to the Haunted barn on saturday night, although no one thought that I'd go through with it....I'm too much of a wuss. While we stood around waiting for everyone, Kyle told a story about the new tires he'd gotten for his blazer. Apparently, he told us breathlessly, when they installed the new valves, they stripped the screws. The look on Kyle's face at this point of the story was one of pure incredulity, as if stripped screws were the end of the world. His brother Jeremy and I overreacted to make Kyle happy, exclaiming 'Oh my god! Not the screws!" then bursting into laughter, which pissed him off.

When we actually got to the Haunted Barn, I was nervous as hell, standing in the parking lot pretending not to be scared, and as we all handed over our money and headed in, I realized it was actually happening, and wasn't it all a little fast? I went through the entire place hanging onto Teri's sweater and Jenna's hand, my eyes screwed shut, screaming whenever anyone else did.

It was the longest ten minutes of my life. When we finally got outside, I bummed a cigarette from Jenna, as did teri, and took shaky drags as we waited for Kyle, Jeremy, and the girls. Jeremy came out laughing, saying that while none of them screamed, he could identify my screams from tho other side of the barn, and Amanda and Sarah said that they never screamed once. Lumpy and Kenny giggled, telling everyone else how amusing Jenna, Teri, and I were, how they had tried to scare us even more than the ghouls and goblins in the place.

We rode back to Amanda's house in the rain, the three of us girls shoved in the back, still giddy over being scared and singing and dancing wildly, making Kenny and Lumpy think that we were certifiable. When we got inside the house, everyone had already heard about how scared we'd been, how funny I was, and remember last year when we used to sneak up on her in the middle of a scary movie and she'd jump? I told them I was glad I was amusing and headed downstairs for a beer.

Jenna wanted to kick start our buzz, so she initiated a game of Three Man, which turned into a parody of "Survivor," complete with alliances. The 'in my pants' rule made a come back, and several people stood around, laughing at players who were spinning slowly, dancing, and ending each sentence with 'in my pants.' Although embarassment is fun, the main point of the game is to get trashed, and soon we were well on our way there and we took a recess to dance.

I was sitting in the basement, in the haze of a strobe light, fog machine, black lights, and incredibly loud music, when Jolliff ran down stairs, shouting 'I thought this was a PARTY! Let's dance!!" It took us all a few moments to realize that he was quoting 'Footloose,' but he got a belated cheer and Lumpy grabbed my hand and we danced...and then Neil came and we danced, and then someone else, and in between I filled up my cup with beer, even though it was Bud Light and not Coors Light, but that didn't matter so much now. I ended up outside, wanting to breathe real air, making a half hearted effort to follow along with some story with which I was somehow involved.

As I stood outside on the patio in the misty rain, people came and went, and for a minute it was just me and Kyle, standing there. He was fiddling with his sweatshirt, and I stood there for what felt like years before I managed to swallow and say 'Do you think that I could talk to you for a minute?' Then, belatedly, 'Possibly?' I was positively meek, which is insane for me.

A hundred years later, he answered with a 'Yeah, just a second, I just have to get this thing....' he fooled around with the drawstring on his sweat shirt, reknotting it. 'Okay.' he said, and started up the hill, expecting me to follow. We sat on the side porch, and I began laughing as he looked at me like I was insane.
'It's just...I had it all planned out, and now I'm drunk, and I can't think of how to say it at all.' I said, still giggling. He looked at me, but it wasn't a mean look, so I went on. 'I just...I couldn't go another week with it like this.'
'Like what?' he said, and it seemed like he was generally interested, so I began to talk. About how I knew he hated me being around, about how I knew he'd heard things about me although I wasn't sure what they were...just sure that they weren't true, because if he knew the truth, he couldn't possibly be upset with me.

We noticed people were coming and peering through the windows, surprised to see us communicating civilly...hell, surprised to see us communicating at all, I suppose, with the way it'd been the past few months. We decided to relocate to my car, and we sat and talked for what seemed like an incredibly long and short time at once.

I told him how it hurt that he pretended it never happened, that all summer I'd been trying to replace him and failing, that no matter what I did it came back to the fact that I fucked up and he was gone. I expected him to sit there and humor me, hand on the door latch, and let himself out as soon as was humanly possible without offending me too much, and I was blown away when I stopped talking for a moment and he turned and began speaking...strung together more sentences and phrases at once than maybe he has in a long, long, time.

He told me that not a day goes by that he's not reminded of me, of us. I asked him about kissing Amanda and whether it was because he cared about her or to spite me, and he said he wasn't sure. After a moment of thought, he ammended his answer.
'I didn't consciously mean to hurt you. But it had to do with you.'
He told me about how, truthfully, he'd been on three dates since we'd broken up, and each girl just 'wasn't it.' We talked about how it had been the same for me, and I told him that I never expected him to wear the hemp necklace I gave him, considering it looked like a five year old had ramdomly knotted the strands together. He laughed, jumping to my defense.
'No, it was just a little crooked.' My heart, I swear, jumped to my throat in that instant. I'm not sure why, truthfully. That line was inconsequential when compared with other things he said, but that one is the most memorable. He then admitted that he'd worn the necklace constantly until it fell apart. When I asked him why, he smiled at me and said that he wore the necklace for the same reason I still wore his ring. I laughed, a lot, and said 'Well good, because I thought I was insane!'

Then we realized we were laughing, together, for the first time in a while, and that it was awfully nice. And I looked at his sweatshirt and his khakis, and realized I still knew all of his clothes by heart.

A few minutes later we went inside, after he 'pinky swore' that he'd call, in a week or so, and when I walked back to the house, everyone was waiting, looking at me with expectant looks on their faces and I walked right by them, into the bathroom, and stared into the mirror, wondering if you could see the difference that I could feel.

I'm not sure what it was that changed that night...maybe that Kyle was really there, talking to me, smiling at me, like he used to, or that I was finally brave enough or drunk enough to say everything I've wanted to say for so long...but I was happy that night, and from what I saw of him, a weight had been lifted from his shoulders as well. I saw him dance past me a few times, laughing and yelling to his brother or someone else, being insane and over the top like he hasn't been in a while, turning his sweatshirt around because he was suddenly imitating 'Kris Kross' the hood flapping in his face so that none of us could take him seriously when he was talking. His brother came up to me at the end of the night and said 'I don't know what you did, but thank you,' then he walked away laughing.

Maybe he'll call me and maybe he won't. I don't want to think about it because I don't want to get my hopes up, and if he does call it won't be for a while yet, but I feel so much better already. It's like it's all begun. I'm not sure what's begun, but something has.

"Come to me if you grow old...come to me if you need coffee."

2001-10-12T07:42:23Z

Where to begin? I always slack in the 'writing in the journal' department, and then something happens...and I don't know, these days, what happened. Nothing, really, and then again, everything. Where do specific events begin and end? I don't have any idea anymore. I'm tired of my life revolving around boys, and I'm trying not to let that happen any more.

It wasn't an easy decision...those of you that know me know there is always, always a boy. Usually multiple ones. If you were around me this summer, you know there were several.

The funny thing about it was that I liked them all. It started out simply enough when Nick and I broke up...I thought it best to move on, basically because it kept me from thinking about Kyle and what I did. At least I know, looking back at the summer, that I was honest, and they all knew that the last thing I wanted was anything meaningful. Of course, the meaningful things sneak up on you.

First came Dustin. He was a pretty, pretty boy who I met, drunk off my ass at a party one night, before Nick and I were 'quite' broken up. He sat on the floor with me and laughed a lot...he was always smiling. He always wore Abercrombie and Fitch, and as time went on, we spent almost every night during the week sitting up and talking about inane things while all of our friends grumpily told us it was quiet time, and that we should shut up. Teri was worried he was going to be 'the next big thing,' but he had prior commitments, and I guess I did too. It's funny to think of where we would have gone if things hadn't been the way they were. He told me once that he just couldn't stop kissing me...that kissing me was better than anything else he'd done with any other girl. He was a nice boy. Too nice...too nice to tell the truth because it might hurt.

Taylor was the next guy...a 'friend of a friend,' I'd never looked at him twice until Teri insisted that we go out because he was 'such a sweetie.' I did it basically to appease her, because I didn't think he was my type. When I went out with him, I was pleasantly surprised by his intelligence and the fact that he didn't try to kiss me. Somehow, he turned into someone who was always there, and I didn't mind. But of course it got the point where he wanted to be exclusive, and I couldn't do that on a good conscience...I guess I was too scared that I would fuck someone else over. It was a complicated mess, but it turned out that Taylor had convinced himself that he cared about me too much to be casual. He's now moving to Michigan. I have the power to make boys move out of state. How pathetic am I? Although it was nice having a set sunday night date for a while.

A lot of these boys happened simultaneously, all at once overlapping stressfully, although I never made it a secret that I was seeing other people. There was one boy, Alan, that I knew from the Frat parties, that was tall - a huge plus for me, funny, and gangly in a good way. I never really thought about him twice until about the tenth time he asked me to come visit him at work and asked me, in the sort of drunken sorrow that goes straight to your heart...whether it was his height that made him unattractive to me, since he was convinced it had to be something. I started to hang out with him regularly, and he was always entertaining...asking to watch a movie 'real quick' and then taking the entire movie to inch his hand over to mine, amazed by the fact that I was an official girl scout. My fling with Alan lasted a while, but there were a lot of extenuating circumstances with him, too, and it turned out that his fraternity was his first priortiy, which was not something I was prepared to deal with.

Amidst those 'official' boys, there were a few more that only jumped in for cameo appearances...Eric, my crush from high school who finally looked in my direction, Paul, the boy I watched the sunrise with from a hot tub. Aaron, the boy with the gorgeous eyes who I picked up shamelessly at a party, and Alex, a lifeguard from the pool in my apartment complex. Along with all the miscellaneous guys coming in and out and back into my life this summer, Jeremy finally decided he 'loved me back' and Nick made several reappearances.

In no way, shape or form did I have a boring summer. In fact, I loved the fact that I could do whatever I wanted...it had been a long time since I'd been free to be....well, free. In some way, every boy that came around this summer helped me realize that boys are boys are boys, and there is always another one out there. In actuality, each of the boys that I met this summer were special to me.

So where am I now? I don't know. The summer is over, and so is my 'date them all' attitude. As school started and my roommate and I settled into the routine of studying and making ramen noodles, my drive to date around diminished, and that's where I am today.

I can say, for the first time in a very long time, that I'm not 'with' anyone. There are boys I have cared about and boys I don't think I will ever stop caring about, but right now I'm holding out for the one who will make me realize that all the others were just practice. Maybe I have met him, and I have a feeling that I have, but I think that everything is happening as it is supposed to. Right now is my time to answer to no one but myself, and I like it.

I've begun to see Kyle at parties regularly lately, and it hasn't been easy. He's been a bitch, basically, and normally I would have read him the riot act for being rude, but now I realize that maybe he's jsut hurting too. I guess what we all need these days is a little patience and perspective.

Or maybe I'm just babling.

Also, at Abercrombie, we're selling these girl's T-shirts that say "Geek" on them in huge letters. Who would really buy those? Egh.

We don't do boys at camp.

2001-06-23T04:21:40Z

I have completed my week of pre camp training at McMillen and am now an official Girl Scout counselor. I've signed on to a project that excludes boys. I can't believe it, myself. Reflecting on my week as my brain wages a war against all the campy...well, camp songs, I think I'm coming to a conclusion. I might have...(brace yourself here)...fun.

Now don't get me wrong. This week has been hell on very slow, very creaky wheels. I rolled my eyes at the camp names we had to choose for ourselves. (Melissa, Alicia, and Ellyn, three cynical party girls, morphed into Kitty, Princess, and Roxy, three super counselors over night.) I participated half heartedly in the games of "Navy" and "Do you like your neighbor?" Hell, I threw a fucking conniption fit when I found out that every once in a while, raccoons did break into the tents.

But as the week went on, I realized something. It's not all bad. I felt pretty damn accomplished when I succeeded in building a fire and cooking over it, and it makes me giggle every time I tell someone I'm a girl scout. It even made me laugh when Teri took it all a step further and decided to make fun of me, saying "One time, at girl scout camp..." I was even evolved enough to laugh when I tripped over the fire ring at breakfast this morning and slid through a puddle of mud on my ass.

I got really excited when I was the one who taught a new game to everyone, and they LIKED it. It was awesome to hear people say "I want to sit at Roxy's table!" The other day, we hiked across camp and did. not. get. lost. Now that is an accomplishment. Me, the girl who gets along with NO one, could sit down and be friendly with any one of 25 people.

I was worried that all the other counselors would be perfect, goody role models, but as the week went on and we got more tired and less guarded, I realized that the majority of them are just like me. When Gish said something that could possibly, maybe, somehow be construed as perverted, I wasn't the only one who wanted to laugh. It got us through the day.

We're actually kind of witty. If we get down in the dumps, all it takes it one of the following pearls of wisdom to perk us up and send us on our way, and she never knows we're making fun of her...

It's not about the cookies.
We don't do boys at camp.
You have to be the pecker now.
You'll pay for this, male dominated society!
No honey, it's the full boombada.
I'm a girl scout. Read between the lines.

Retarded? Yes. Funny? Yes. Being who I am, and if any of you know me...I don't have a lot of girl friends. I like boys. I get along with boys. Girls, not so much. It's nice to find out that there are some who are salvageable, and that maybe, by being a counselor, I might be able to set an example that will keep the little girls from turning into what most girls are and hate simultaneously.

I even got a little sentimental at the bonfire and dedication ceremony. It was probably the exhaustion setting in, of course, but you never know. I'm just realizing that unlike most of the things I do, this may have lasting effects on me and others.

Of course, the counselors and I are still having a kegger at my place next weekend. Bonding, you know.

Fuck it all. No, ALL of it.

2001-05-27T07:28:57Z

Yeah, to the point where splitting with Nick was actually becoming a RELIEF and then tonight at his show, which he BEGGED me to come to...there was some pretty girl wearing pants that were way too tight mooning all over him and I found out that he INVITED HER knowing that we'd both be there. How low can you GET? I've only met one person ballsy/charming enough to pull off the two girl trick and it's NOT HIM.

On the other hand, I got a huge hug from his dad and HE, at least was happy to see me. Always nice when the parent loves you.

Oh, and Cory dedicated that "You can be my Yoko Ono" song to ME...how nice. Yes, Cory. I get it. I broke up your happy little band with my evil feminine wiles. I get it. Nick gets it. The bag lady in the corner FUCKING GETS IT. In fact, I think that the majority of the tri-state area felt the impact of your MIND NUMBING anvil toss.

Note to Cory's brain: WE. GET. IT. Please enroll in a twelve step program to get rid of your ANGST. No love, Indiana, Kentucky, and parts of Ohio. You know. The parts the tornado hit. Even THEY got it, and they're recovering from a natural disaster!!

Note to NICK'S brain: We hate to inform you that you are not suave or endearing enough to two-time. Please return your shoes at the door. Love, The female population of the populated WORLD.

Always an interesting evening with John Boy and Rickie

2001-05-25T19:29:05Z

John Andrew showed up last night and begged to be allowed to ride in the trunk on our adventures, which is always funny. He'd never BEEN in a BMW trunk, and he had to ADD it to his collection. Or something. Weird. Like that. He fit easily in there and hugged my huge purple rabbit very tightly. Where's the camera when you need one?

I was a little bit of a mess around about two am. I was getting upsetting phone calls about how Keith "couldn't take sides" and how "Shawn missed me, even if no one else did!"
They're good guys, but it's not really what I wanted to be hearing. So it was nice when Chris aka Rickie offered, out of the blue, to be my slave. He said that he'd buy my Mt. Dew whenever I craved it and also tie my shoes whenever they required it. Who am I to turn that one down?
Then he decided that we needed to make a 3 am visit to IHOP for no real reason except "Well, you're not asleep...and I'm not asleep...so let's go!" So we went and talked for a million hours and when he brought me home the sky was this really pretty cobalt blue type color and I would have liked to stare at it for hours. But it's not the type of color that last for hours...you have to take it when you can.
According to Chris, I always screw things up because I specialize in flocks of men. Which is totally not the truth OR the point. He also said that I shouldn't say "Fuck it" when a situation gets annoying, but should think of a different phrase.
I keep forgetting I haven't seen the majority of these guys since I've gotten most of my piercings/tattoo, so that's always a surprise to them. Chris said he's going to go hang out at the "Tongue-Piercing Place" and pick up freshly pierced hotties, nurse them back to health, then take advantage of they're gifts. =)
I e-mailed Nick. I shouldn't have, because I'm not usually retarded, but I was SO MAD last night. After everything we've had, treating it like it was just some casual fling that can just END? I don't handle that well. Oh well. I'm trying to learn something from every situation. Right now I just want a relationship where I feel secure but not SMOTHERED, a guy that makes me happy whether I see him once a day or once a week, and someone who can both live his own life, and be a part of mine. It's not hard. I want a guy that, when I'm stressed out and want to go crazy, is the one person I want to call just so he can laugh at me being silly and say "It'll all be okay...and hey, I love you!" Then I can smile, laugh shamefacedly at my dopiness, then hang up and feel just a little bit better about my life.
It doesn't have to be some huge PLAN. I've realized that. We both got so caught up in the beginning that it felt like a fairy tale and we got ahead of ourselves. Yes. I know how I would like my life to go, but right now, I just want to have a happy time with my happy friends and my happy boyfriend and do stupid things. Go to the Zoo, get kicked out of Wal-Mart, play the racing games and Putt Putt golf...just have fun. Make the decision to be together now, and let tomorrow happen tomorrow.
My sympathies to whoever has been reading my journal the past few days. Evan, I pity you. I will make it up to you at some point.
I don't want to fight. Won't help fighting! I just want him to listen to ME instead of the voices in his own head. I don't want him to PROPOSE to keep me from leaving! Ergh. I thought I made it clear. I decided to stay here rather than go to Florida in the fall because I just found out that I may have to e means to attend school here in the fall and I don't want to pass that up. I want to get started or I never will, and its important to me. I want my own place and to be on my own, because it's important to me, and the best place to do that is here, and I could be happy here. I am happy here. Yes, I care about Nick. Yes, I think we could be good for each other. No, I don't need a ring on my finger to fucking PROVE that! I swear, that boy gets ideas in his head and he just. doesn't. let. it. GO!
I don't want a fiance. I. want. a. boyfriend. Straight up. I like Nick being my boyfriend...I like being his girlfriend. Period. Nothing else. Being engaged would NOT be the solution. There's no real solution because there's no real problem and the sooner he deals with that fact the better, because he's REALLY FUCKING YANKING MY CHAIN.

You may not know it yet--
maybe you'll never even think about it--
but I'm special.
You're gonna meet a lot of girls in your life, and a lot of them will be special to you.
But I'll tell you right now that you'll never find another me.
So take a good look around you, because I'm leaving and I may never come back.

Are you gonna let this princess walk right through your life?
Or are you going to make her sit down and try on that glass slipper you're holding?
And if she does take the time to try it on--
Are you going to hope that it fits?

So pathetic.

2001-05-25T06:49:33Z

It's sad when you walk into Putt Putt and the boy at the counter smiles and waves not because it's polite but because he knows who you are. He knows you SO well in fact, that before you even make it all the way up to the counter, he's holding out your little bag of tokens because he knows you hate them in the rolls. He knows before you tell him that you have a Putt Putt Saver's card entitling you to a bajillion extra tokens free, and you don't even have to pull the well worn thing out of your back pocket.

It's horrible. If questioned, the staff probably knows the games I'm terrible at and the ones I just, well, kick ass at. Hell, They probably know about my soap opera life and sexcapades...who knows what kind of gossip goes on back there?! It's really bad. I should stop going. But I keep getting lured back. Just kill a little time, Ellyn...the games whisper, and I shrug and say "Okay" as I skip off to play them, dragging my companion of the evening along with me. Most of them learn to love it too, or at least to tolerate it. I'm very generous with my tokens, and on the big Semi game all I REALLY want to do is blow the horn.

There are two games I am currently obsessed with. Triple Elevens is one and CarnEVIL is the other. I play the former because it's fun. In elementary school I would have hated it, because it's basically a math game, but now I love it and I am so obsessed that I often fall asleep adding eleven in my head until I go insane and knock myself out. I now have every possible combination of number that could be used to add eleven branded into my head.

TenOneEleven NineTwoEleven EightThreeEleven SevenFourEleven SixFiveEleven FiveSixEleven FourSevenEleven ThreeEightEleven TwoNineEleven OneTenEleven SevenTwoTwoEleven EightTwoOneEleven FourFourThreeEleven....and so on. Eeek.

The other game I love to play is CarnEvil, and I play this one to get rid of my stress. You're basically at a carnival that has been taken over by witches and demons and zombies and such, and you just shoot everything that gets in front of you. It doesn't take much skill and...you get to shoot stuff. I like it. Except the part where the spiders and grubs explode out of this hallway...that's pretty ucky and I don't enjoy it. But if you shoot the zombie's in just the right spot, their heads just pop off, and it's very rewarding.

I won't play the guys in any of the games I like because I like to win and they get too competitive. I like to play the girls because they giggle about how they suck and I can kick their asses hard core. I am also "Miss Ski Ball All-State." I never get the ten thousands, but I hit four and five thousand pretty consistently, so I usually win. I won so many tickets with Kyle playing games that we got a Sega Dreamcast. It's the most expensive prize they have at seventeen thousand tickets.

I don't know why I'm making such a case for my dorkiness. I guess I'm just trying to keep my mind off everything else. Keith called and they're all at Munchie's tonight without me, and it kind of gets to me. I went out with a friend from high school and then killed some time at Putt Putt but right now I am TOTALLY not tired and wondering if they're all off having a great time without me. Someone put me out of my misery, PUHLEASE.

I'm kind of miffed at Keith for going without me, but I understand. They're all his friends too. I just get jealous of people who get to spend time with Nick when I don't. Plus, I totally want to hang out with Shawn and Keith myself. I don't really care what Cory does anymore. Nick and Cory are probably getting along much better without the competition over me anyway.

So why does it seem like everyone else is better off but me? Ergh. I want to kick my own ass for how whiny and pathetic I'm acting. Ergh. Suck it up, Ellyn. Hard core.

I. Am. So. Broke.

2001-05-25T02:42:51Z

Man oh man I need some money! It's sad when people say "Hey, want to go out!" And my answer has to be "Um, as long as it's cheap. I'm on a five dollar budget..."

Ergh. I want to be independently wealthy without working for it.

This week is shaping up. John Boy is home and hungry, as usual, so I'm going out with him tonight, and Andy just got back from the Sleeping Beauty Castle with the BSU choir so we're going to hang out tomorrow. Plus, I'm cat-sitting for Kara, so it should be a busy couple of days. I love how things work out just when you need them to the most.

I really need a supplementary job, since my gig at mcMillen doesn't begin for another few weeks. I'm really glad I get to be a counselor this year, but I need some money NOW. Keith says I should take up stripping temporarily, but...yeah, I don't think that's cool, exactly. Besides, it's not like I look like JESSICA ALBA, or anything, EVAN.

I'm in a pretty good mood. I like it.

And you wonder

2001-05-24T21:57:24Z

Thursday night. Munchie's night. I can't remember the last time I spent a Thursday NOT at Munchie's and of course now all the good shows are over with for the summer and Kara took her hot dog-tattooed self to Michigan for a wedding, do I'll probably go crazy. Shawn says go anyway, but he doesn't understand why I CAN'T, and how I refuse to play the role that Meredith has played to perfection...the lovely, hurt girl who sits far enough away from the action to make it clear that she doesn't feel welcome and yet can't stay away from the aura of he who is Nick.

No. I don't play the role of hurt lover well, and I don't think I'll start now. Besides, I'm not hurt, per say. I am the one who proposed taking a week. So I will TAKE a goddamn week. On Saturday I will be bubbly, happy, and INCREDIBLY hot. And fashionably late. I hope he squirms and wonders if I'll come. He said that he couldn't know how much he'd miss something until it was gone, so I will NOT cheat and see him or talk to him before then. I've actually had a pretty fun week so far, and I won't really go crazy tonight. The moment of truth will be when I walk in and he sees me. If he smiles when he sees me, because he just CAN'T HELP it, that will tell me a lot.

And stuff. I have to go feed Kara's cat now. I think Keith dies. Are leather pants a good outfit choice, or is that trying to hard? Ergh.

In one of those moods...you know what I'm saying.

2001-05-24T04:39:44Z

It's been an interesting few days. I don't know how to feel or even how I am feeling currently. I know I'm awfully calm, which isn't usually a good sign. I was out with the girls the other night and in the course of jumping off the roof of my car in chase of a little green alien on a parachute when I ran right smack into the Penrod clan, both of whom thought I was beyond help. In spite of that fact, Jeremy felt it necessary to give me a noogie because we hadn't seen each other in so long and apparently in the land far far away where he was spawned, that is an acceptable greeting ritual.

It was strange talking to Kyle. He still wears the necklace I gave him, but besides that we don't talk much. Things are pretty strained with us. Although him wearing the necklace throws everything off track...that thing is not well made...in fact, it looks like a two year old twisted random strands of hemp together. It was the first effort I ever made at a hemp necklace, and it shows. Yet the boy has apparently not taken it off in the past month and a half. I choose not to deal. It makes things easier. I'm thankful for everything he did for me, but my new declaration of independence states that there are NO repeats, no way, no how. It's the only way I won't fall back into the same ruts I am just climbing out of.

Sometimes I wonder what it is that keeps relationships strong. Both parties putting their all into it? Do you stay together because if it's meant to be, it'll happen that way, or do you stay together by making the conscious effort to STAY TOGETHER?

It can get pretty confusing, as I'm learning now. When the first real conflict comes up, do you deal with it and move on, or do you let the whole relationship disintegrate from outside forces? I believe that if you take the latter course for whatever reason, there should be no second chance. If you fold at the first sign of trouble, only to beg your way back when that trouble is gone, the inherent problem is that in that particular relationship, you've set the course for giving up. You've established the relationship as a shallow one in which petty concerns can not only sway the course, but end the relationship. When you've taken the easy way out once, you'll do it time and time again.

Which is where I am now. I've made it clear that I would like to make the effort to work through the issues we are currently facing. They're not life or death, but because I see potential in this person, this guy...I want to make an effort instead of simply throwing up my hands and saying:

"Well, it's not exactly a piece of cake, so I'm going to run."

Because when you get right down to it, it SHOULD NOT be a piece of cake. It should be kind of difficult and mind bending, because it's like being hired on probationary status. You seem perfectly fitted to the job, so let's try you out. There are going to be challenges...you can give up and give up the job, or sit down and think of a solution and get past it and be rewarded with a stable life.

If things were EASY people would just get BORED. Why do you think there are so many extramarital affairs? Not only because people change, but because people. get. bored. They want something to wake them up.

I happen to be the kind of person that can stay awake and keep others awake. Maybe I never let him see that side of me. It was my mistake, I guess. Too accessible, or something. But when you're floored that this person could want YOU....you don't act like yourself, maybe. I had a big car talk with Kara about it, and overall, I'm a pretty good catch, to be frank. I'm not a typical girl, and anyone who knows me can vouch for that. If he decides that now is not the right time, it is his own decision to make.

Looking back at my journal entries when Kyle and I had our "disagreements" I was scared to death of life after Kyle...for some reason, I didn't think I could make it. I've since realized that I was silly. Any man/boy/whatever that walks away does so at his own cost. I'll be okay. If he wants to "step back" as he so eloquently put it, fine. That only reiterates the idea that there is someone else out there that is a step up, even from him, who I thought was THE step.

Although I will take a moment to descend into the snarky kingdom of bitch craft and say WHAT THE HELL? Where do guys get off, speaking to you in incredibly sexy, if limited, Spanish one week and suddenly backing off the next? I mean, granted...I didn't understand much of what he said, but good god, I liked hearing it. I mean, what goes on in the brain of a typical male who is so deeply in love or...whatever that he asks, IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, whether you'd prefer a band or a deejay at "the wedding"? The. Wedding. The wedding that is, apparently, going to occur between yourself and the overly gorgeous faux Spanish conquistador?

It's just a travesty. Seriously, NEVER listen. No, never. Not even when he talks in his sleep. The number one, huge, commando mistake you can make is believing that your favorite playboys affections will last more than a month, which, apparently, in guy time, is an eternity. I don't care if he took you rollerblading. Maybe you didn't skate well enough for him. Maybe he got over your "unique" techniques he was so gaga over at first. Maybe he's even forgotten the fact that he was so enamored with you in the Genesis era that he memorized your favorite foods and BROUGHT them to you in lieu of a flower or chocolate.

Be wary when he talks about all the mistakes he made with the ex. That translates, when fed into my "primate decoder" into a very simple phrase. "You're wasting your time, sweetheart." Excessive talk about the ex and you should cut your losses and run. It's no fun being a living comparison, especially when said Ex is still very much in contact with said primate.

The fact is, I've learned that the early mushy stages of a relationship act like salt peter to virile boys. They're so taken with you that the reason you miss the majority of movies is because you talk through them rather than make out, and he's perfectly willing just to play with your hair as you two talk about what you'll name your children into the wee hours of the morning. He talks about how you're more beautiful than his very favorite car, and you sigh, knowing it's TRUE. LOVE.

Investing in a tape recorder could be a good move, because before you think it's possible, while you're still reeling from your "amazing connection", he'll be rolling over to the other side of the bed and...yes...falling asleep. No. He is not "reflecting on the moment." Face it. The guy is dead to the world. And you? You're left wondering what happened to your Spanish serenades and sappy confessions of love. Like I said. Record it. It'll be over soon.

Okay. My apologies for that. I'm a little stresses these days, and I really don't want to take it out on my all too understanding friends. I'm really okay. Jeremy comes home the 15th of June, and Keith and Kara are deathly afraid of me making a colossal mistake. Maybe like getting toasted and running off with him again. Not going to happen. I would be the last person to underestimate our past, but I think I'm beyond it now. Or I will be, if I have a reason for it. Someone worthy of it, I guess. I want to be strong, but why should I turn down something that would be UNDENIABLY fun if it's not breaking any rules? If Nick drops me, then what's to stop me from having a good time? I mean, I won't be young and unattached forever. Best case scenario...Nick comes to his senses and we move past whatever this is. Worst case? I get to be the party girl everyone assumes me to be anyway.

I'm not making sense anymore, and all of this is really kind of just stream of consciousness type stuff...so I'm gonna jet. Get to bed before the wee hours of the morning, maybe, for once. Matt asked Kara and I what we did last night, and it was just like "Oh geez...we'd explain it, but it just sounds BAD." It wasn't, but it's just one of those things. Yeah.

Crazy day. Attn Evan

2001-04-30T18:35:16Z

EVAN EMAIL ME. You need to come home and do some damage control...I need your sarcastic, cynical attitude to raise me from my slump. =)

Dave Matthews Rocks the House

2001-04-16T04:01:19Z

Great weekend.

Suddenly not in the mood to type it all out, but it was fun. Went rollerblading on Saturday and to a movie, then ended up sitting in my driveway talking philosophy or some such deep-type-thing with Nick until about 6:30 a.m. Great fun, great fun.

Rather annoyed because Mike can't keep his god damn mouth shut. I should have known better than to get involved with a high school kid.

Crazy

2001-04-14T00:00:32Z

I didn't think I could ever get over him. I don't think I am...I don't know. Anyone who's read this journal once or twice could tell that I'm head over heels for Kyle. When we broke up, I had no idea what to do with myself. I did all the stupid rebound moves, they didn't work. Even the hottest, nicest, most gentlemanly guy that asked me out paled in comparison to Kyle. No matter what I did, I still wanted to murder Vanessa in some painful way.

I was in Florida for two weeks, and for every living second of that time, I missed him. Missed him hard, thought I saw him places he couldn't possibly be. Called him from the airport crying, sobbing, probably embarrassed him no end.

I tried the rebound thing, didn't work. I pushed it too far, used an A list guy where only a B list should be used, threw off the whole curve. Took a guy I could have actually liked and used him up.

At least I had the decency to be honest with him. Told him that maybe if he wasn't so nice, so good...I could have just dated him to get over Kyle, but since I actually LIKED him...I couldn't do it.

In Florida, I got Kyle a souvenir against my own volition...My mind said "Ellyn, don't be stupid," and my hand just reached out and handed the foreigner money anyway. I wore his ring, his necklace, my ID bracelet every second of the day. I still do.

I flew home yesterday. Walking into the Terminal I could barely breathe, just in CASE he might be there. He wasn't, and I knew he wouldn't be.

I had equipped myself with plans days in advance so I knew that I wouldn't be alone the night I flew in, knew I couldn't handle that. Keith and I were going to the pool hall and then to see Cory and Nick, the members of Voodoo butter, preform at an open mic night.

I was actually looking forward to it. Although Cory and I have had our ups and downs (and downs, and downs), he's a long time friend, and I need some of those. And as for Nick...well, he's a subject in himself.

Strikingly handsome, the fact that he plays the guitar and sings only make him more appealing, and from the first time I saw him I was impressed. Not so much in his "stage presence", but more in the way he was warming up when he thought no one was watching him, playing riffs, dancing to the beat in his head.

The night I met him, months ago, he wore sandals, jeans that were baggy in just the right places, and a snug Ft-shirt that advertised his muscles more than it did anything actually written on the shirt. Three fingernails on his left hand were painted black...a 'joke', and he wore a hemp bracelet I have since learned that he made himself along with a necklace on a strand of leather with an "om" medallion on it.

When he played his guitar (a flashy black number with a miniature sticker of Christina Aguilera on it; for 'good luck'), he called to mind Schroeder, a la Charlie Brown and friends, in his one mindedness. Cory, the front man of the group, played the audience. Nick played his guitar, looking down, like he was in a bubble. If he got any attention he was surprised, confused, and pleased simultaneously. It was impossible not to watch hime as much, if not more than Cory...Nick was in his won world, his black hair shining off the lights, his face creased in a concentrated expression, listening, always listening, keeping the beat by an almost invisible jive.

I admired him from the first, but my life was complicated. When he asked for my number before I left for Florida, I was pleasantly shocked but too distracted to think anything of it. Since I'd left, Keith had hinted around about Nick being "somewhat interested", but worried about Cory's on and off infatuation with me.

I took it a compliment without taking it seriously, but I was looking forward to seeing him. Rather than "getting my mind off" Kyle, I thought it would do something better...get out among real, thinking people, give me other things to think about so that it wouldn't be a conscious decision but a gradual undertaking.

The visit to the pool hall was predictable and full of gossip about Kyle, about Mike, about everyone I had anything to do with. Kyle wasn't there, and I didn't mind. We didn't stay long. For some reason, on the way to Munchie's, I had to call him. Not to talk about anything serious. Maybe it was curiosity, wondering WHY he wasn't at he usual night spot, or something else. I'm not sure.

He was getting ready for bed. For some reason, that killed me. I blabbered for a moment or two, about how I did get him a souvenir, "accidentally", and would give it to him sometime, about how I'd heard a rumor that he may think Mike and I were dating and wanted to tell him otherwise, "in case he cared", and asked after him, about work, said hello for Keith and slipped in a joke passed from Keith to Kyle.

And he laughed. I'd forgotten how great it was to hear Kyle laugh.

I got off the phone soon after, telling him I'd see him around, smiling as I said "see ya later"

It was the first time since we broke up that I talked to him without crying.

And suddenly it was all different. I love Kyle...I think. I miss him like crazy...but somehow it's all farther away now, and it's changed from "I can't get by without him" to "I don't WANT to get by without him" to, believe it or not, "Whatever will be will be."

I don't profess to be over him. the sound of his voice still makes me happy, seeing him smile makes me smile, seeing him laugh makes my heart glad.

But somehow, suddenly, it wasn't all so desperate anymore. I could laugh without feeling like I was being false for laughing without him. I could embrace everything and everyone because, well...everything was free and clear. No secrets, no half truths, everything was, if not forgotten, at least on it's way to being forgiven.

Voodoo Butter sang Fat Albert at Munchie's. It was hilariously amazing, and I laughed like I haven't in weeks. After the show, Nick and I sat and discussed how incompetent he is at email, and how the nine times he tried to email me it was sent back to him. We discussed the nature of Putt Putt, and how Florida's miniature golf is infinitely better than Fort Wayne's. We talked about nothing and everything at once.

And he never hit on me. And he never used a cheap, cheesy line. he never told me that my eyes are pretty. I think he knows it's unnecessary. He didn't flirt so much as discuss, but somehow that was flirting in itself...recognizing the fact that I have a brain and can use it, all on my own.

Then we went to Omega and talked some more. Four hours more, to be precise. He paid no more attention to me than he did to Keith, and it was right that it was that way. As we left, around 4 am, he gave me his number and two e-mail addresses, so as to be sure that I had "plenty of options, depending on my mood."

And still I wasn't sure. He was friendly, no more and no less. He made a few concessions to being partial, but he did NOT kiss me, or even touch me at all, aside from tickling my feet. Because of that, he gained millions in respect.

I miss Kyle. It's just...farther away.

This morning, Nick called and asked if I'd like to go to lunch. We went to Dog N Suds, and we laughed the entire time. About what, I can't remember. I know we talked for at least two hours, but the conversation never dried out or was lacking in any way...and maybe that's why I can't remember any of the particular subjects.

After lunch, we went and played miniature golf. We were slow, so we let another group play through, then another. We cheated shamelessly, and swore we were playing our best. I won. I think he was glad.

After that he beat me racing. He's good...not many people can beat me on that game any more. I was glad. Its a new challenge. I watched him play the police 911 game, ducking and running, shooting them all up, beating the game in four tokens...and was impressed. He watched me win at triple elevens and...well, he was impressed. We played ski ball, and he announced me "Miss Ski-ball all-state"

Every other guy I've brought to play games with me since Kyle has been only a shadow of him...always being compared, and the outings become tedious and no fun, in a place where I used to spend my favorite times. With Nick, it was new again, exciting, competitive...fun. There was no comparison to be made about Kyle and Nick..it would seem a disfavor to do that to either one.

I miss him, but not so hard. And somehow, I don't think it's because of Nick. It's only because I'm finally letting go that I can let myself have a good time with this...very worthy, wonderful guy.

At my car, when it was time to go, I was still unsure whether Nick was really interested, or just interested in hanging out...but somehow it was okay either way. No matter what the consequences, I had a fun time, a fun day, and it's been quite a while since I could spend time with someone without being reminded of something I did not have and wanted.

As it turns out, he is interested. He hugged me today, and kissed me once. I can't describe it. For once, my powers of explanation escape me. It was a...moment. I can't remember the singular motions and movements that went into it...only a sum of them all, one moment that is incomparable to anything else, not because it is above it all, but because, for once, and rightly so, it was completely and utterly separate.

I miss him, but it's farther away and I wonder...was he right? I never wanted to admit it before, but maybe we were holding on to hard to one another. Maybe it's an evolution. You meet a person, fall in love, are happy, learn things, amazing things, from one another...and if they're not "the one", maybe at some point you stop learning. Maybe we had nothing left to learn from one another. Then you move on, eventually, and you meet someone else, that is, in effect, an evolved form of the person before...not identical at all, but with the a similar quality-- the fact that they can give you something new and make you better for it. I believe maybe this goes on until you find the one whom you never stop learning from.

There are flaws there. Maybe Kyle is the one for me. Maybe I haven't met him yet. Maybe I need this time to come full circle, back to Kyle. Or maybe this time is for realizing that not all good things last forever, nor should they.

I love Kyle. That is not debatable. I miss Kyle. Like crazy. But it's getting less crazy, and farther away, and I feel whole in myself now, without him. And it's because of that, and that alone, that I can let myself have fun with Nick. I'm not half of anyone. I'm myself, and that's all...And I don't know how or when I realized it, but it's true.

He's asked me to go out tomorrow night. Nick, that is. And I am. I'm feeling very optimistic today. =)

Well Well Well

2001-03-20T21:23:59Z

I love him. I know that now, as he's winging his way across the country from me, getting farther away by the minute, falling away from me. It's the kind of love you can't get over, the kind of love that you have to come to terms with, the kind of love that ebbs and returns with the tide and the moon.

I wish that I could stop worrying about him, but it's too late for that. He left by choice, it's not as if he was drafted. This is not a time of war. As my grandmother used to say, You've made your bed, now lie in it. Yes, Jeremy. Go lie in it. I hope he enjoys the pissing contests of the marines, the almighty crucible, becoming a full fledged member of the elite. Because when it's all over, that's all he'll have left. His blood stripes and his broken down mind.

He'll lose Jess, that's for sure. She loves him, but she's above him, too. She's too goal oriented for a self-proclaimed free spirit like him. She has structure in her life, and he expects her to kiss it all good bye for him. He always goes for the innocent ones. It's why he went for me way back when. Loves the challenge of the chase and of making the innocent little girls curse and swear and clutch the headboard with snow-white knuckles as he drags them over the edge of the abyss.

He's probably scared right now, scared to death. On the plane, knowing he won't sleep for the next seventy-two hours. They make no secret of the fact that they like to break you down before they teach you your manners. Keep you awake, make you run, make you realize that the people at home who care about you are awfully far away and can't help you now. No contact with civilians. They like to deconstruct everything you think you know and teach you what they say is real before they let the commoners back in. He made a rash decision, and this is the one thing in his life he can't flake out on.

He didn't say good bye. That's what hurts the most. Why should I say good bye to her? I can't get rid of her. If that's how he wants, it, fine. He regrets it already, I know. I know because of the late night collect phone call to Jess last night.
Have you talked to her, Jess?
No. I'd imagine she's pretty pissed at you.
I meant to see her. I had something to tell her. Have something to tell her.
So now I'm left wondering what in the world he had to say to me. Probably something silly, retarded, to make me laugh. An old inside joke. But which one? There are too many to count.

We ended on bad terms. I hate it. I won't be here when he gets back. We'll live on opposite coasts, as far away as we can get from one another. I can't help but picture him now. Too tall for most, the perfect size for me, measuring in at a lanky six and a half feet. He made everyone's maternal instincts come out. Eat a little more, Jay. Get some meat on those bones. What they didn't know was that he was like a garbage disposal, eating everything in sight and digesting it incredibly quickly. Dark, pretty hair, invariably ruined by his obsession with blond hair dye. His height made him stand out, his eyes and lips made him touchable. Big green eyes with long, dark lashes curtaining them, keeping everyone at arms length, always sparkling with mischief. His lips were full, soft, very kissable. An oasis to a thirsty teen.

I can see him in uniform, and the results are good. Too good. I shouldn't picture my best friend like this. But can someone you loved once ever be just a friend? Even a best friend? I can feel the way he held me when I broke down, sobbing. Come here, sweetheart. Shh. I'll always take care of you. He's crazy for not wanting you. The way he took care of me all those nights, the nights we slept in my car because we couldn't find anywhere to crash. The way every once in a while he'd lean over and trace the line of my shoulder, my neck, down my back, as I lay there. If I turned to face him at the perfect moment, he'd be staring at me, his eyes limpid pools of gray, reflecting my own. I can remember the nights we got a little tipsy at parties, sliding down stairs into the dark, crawling behind the bar, doing shots of tequila and tasting the salt on one another's lips. Thought we were so sneaky and secretive, not realizing our secret was one that everyone else was in on.

Throughout it all we had a series of boyfriends, girlfriends, we were always just friends. Good friends. Good enemies. Always loving or loving to hate.

Yes, your highness. His last words to me. Words I won't ever forget. Can't forget. So full of sarcasm and frustration. It's ironically perfect, considering what his first words were. Three years ago. It feels like yesterday, and it feels like long, long ago. Like a parallel universe.

Good God it's been a while

2001-02-11T20:55:54Z

I need to post! Damn, no time now.

My life has been consumed by Arby's, Putt Putt, and Mick's, as well as trying to get trashed on the weekends. Also TRYING TO FOND A GOOD GIFT FOR VALENTINES DAY for Kyle. I'm dying, got three days left and am drawing a blank. He's gotten me a really good gift, or so I hear, and I'm gonna die if I can't get him a good one too....ergh.

Anyway, I have to go see Hannibal now, even thought I went to see it with Vanessa Friday, but that's a secret because Kyle didn't want me to go to a movie alone with her because he was convinced she'd put the moves on me. Oops.

Laters

Wow.

2001-01-28T07:26:05Z

Here's Kyle's quote for the year:

"My testicles are screaming with Joy!"

On a darker not, he totaled his Blazer last night. Thankfully he's ok, but still...I just totaled MY car!

Anyway, lots to tell about SATS and how WONDERFUL my boyfriend is, but it can wait until later.

"But I thought playing with my knives in front of you and almost chopping your leg off would turn you on, honey!"

2001-01-25T23:17:40Z

I have learned the dangers of entering a pool hall on Ladies Night without a date.

If you value your life, DON'T DO IT.

Zac was driving me up the wall, but Jeremy's been fun lately, so I figured it wouldn't kill e to go out and shoot some pool with them...but then a million other old "friends" came along and it turned into "How to act like you're still in highschool 101."

But I could still deal with that. Until all these guys that like, LIVE at Mick's came up and they all knew me and I had no idea who they were, then I found out that they all attended a couple of parties that I didn't exactly BEHAVE at and they all now knew me rather intimately because I was very into flashing people and doing nipple shots and such, and of course I was much more drunk than all of there were, so they remembered me clearly while I wasn't quite sure who the hell they were.

Anyway, they're hitting on me hard core, which is kind of flattering at first, but then it just got old, especially when I told them that I wasn't into flashing people anymore or being flashed and in fact, I had a great boyfriend....that did not phase them at all.

Of course by this time Zac, Jeremy, and Ben had all run off places far out of reach and I couldn't cry out for help and my phone rang and it was Kyle and he asked what was going on and I probably shouldn't have said I was getting hit on, but yet I did. Then I heard the shrieking in the back ground and realized that Kyle was at his third home...

SO that made me realize that if Kyle was at Putt Putt he sure wasn't studying for his SATS which are THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW....but I'm done worrying. Hopefully Kyle has so some major intelligence rush on Saturday and he kicks ass. I really hope he does.

In any case, it was an eventful evening. In the course of getting hit on, a couple of guys pulled out their knives and started playing with them....as if that was going to make me be like "Oh, boys fighting over me!" and giggle and swoon.

Ergh.

I'm supposed to be going to a MOVIE now...where is he?

I did a homepagey thingy!

2001-01-23T00:23:20Z

Go look at my pretty page:

http://hometown.aol.com/lynnes00/index.html

I am back among the living.

2001-01-21T16:55:42Z

I conquered the flu. It wasn't easy, but hey.

Kyle happened to come down with it on Wednesday and puked almost as much as I did.

Exciting weekend, but I'm too tired to post now.

Just an update to tell you all I'm still dying.

2001-01-16T03:21:17Z

I still feel icky. I'm not even hungry for BROWNIES.

On the upside, my stomach looks really cute!

Dry Heaves suck ass.

2001-01-14T23:43:57Z

I am so sick. I have a 102 degree temperature, and I spent all of last night puking my guts up and talking gibberish. Poor Kyle. He was a good boyfriend last night. He is every day actually.

He got his tattoo...it's bomb-ass. We just realized it's going to be on his arm forever, my tattoo. He said that maybe I was a freak, but I was *his* freak.

I love him. His tattoo also.

My hair is cute!

2001-01-12T03:10:28Z

I chopped it...and I love it! I took almost 7 inches off...I was so scared. But it looks great! I opened the door and the first thing Kyle said was "Um, wow..." In a good way. lol.

I've had a good week. Tomorrow night the twins and Steph are coming up to the apartment, and on Saturday we're going to get Kyle's tattoo. First he wanted it to be green, but now he wants it red or orange or something...I don't know. I'm confused.

Went to Pfeiffer house tonight and had White Chocolate Tuxedo Cake...been way too long. It was yummy.

Man, I hate it when I don't have anything dramatic to talk about, because then my posts are just boring. Like today. I'm one boring mofo.

Evan...make me interesting!

I'm going to the Kid Rock concert...I will probably DIE. So if there are suddenly no more posts after February 21 or so....assume the worst.

I am psychic. I had to track down Kyle after work today, which was difficult because his cell phone got stolen with his stereo...but I found him on the FIRST TRY!

Aww yeah.

Who rocks the house? Ellyn rocks the house.

I'm a freak. Poor everyone reading this...I apologize. When my life is happy, I get giddy. And stupid and stuff. I suck. No really, I do.

Here's to Lindsey, who managed to KILL HERSELF playing a Putt Putt video game. Not HERSELF, but the video guy she was playing. I've never killed myself.

LINDSEY ROCKS THE HOUSE!

I'm a huge dork, oh my god.

I'm going now, before I get any stupider.

"Make a decision on your own, please..."

2001-01-11T23:37:25Z

That's weird. I was thinking...when did I STOP making decisions on my own? I certainly never let other people decide things for me before. What happened?

Here
In the smoky-sweet darkness
You sleep, tequila induced,
rolling and groaning, hogging the covers.

I'm awake, because I haven't yet
come down
from my place in the sun.
It's warm there, so luckily I don't need
the covers you repossessed.

I wonder
Where do we go from here?
It can't get much better than this.